It’s like being under water. Not drowning, but floating just beneath the surface, unable and unwilling to break through. It’s watching in a blurry haze, feeling the weight settling around you, but remaining stagnate in suffocating limbo. It’s a sadness for no reason. And yet, a sadness for all the reasons.

I knew I was losing myself. I knew I was plagued with self doubt and my creativity was turning to unimaginative and repetitive ashes; remnants of the fire and passion that once raged inside me. Paralyzed by indecision, I’ve become a bystander in my own life, stuck on a carousel of mundane day-to-day distractions.

The paranoia of making a wrong choice has stopped me from making any at all. It’s a disease and a disappointment. I keep hoping and wishing for it to change, but wishing is lazy. The only cure is to change it myself, but I’ve been asleep so long that my body is shocked by movement, instantly fatigued by any slight stretch.

Time doesn’t care about my indecision. The days are long, but the years are rushing by and I feel at a standstill. Wasting and wishing away moments — for nightfall, for the weekend, for the next destination — only to miss them when they’re gone; instantly filled with regret for what I’ll never get back.

It’s a numbness, an apathetic mental state, built from self-preservation. But instead of safety, it’s become a parasite, only growing stronger with time. I fear when it’s through, there will be nothing left to save.

When you can’t even cry. That’s when you know it’s real. When the pain is so deep that the most natural version of cleansing your body of the toxins won’t even occur. It’s so deep and coiled around your heart and the essence of your psyche that there is no quick fix, no moment of respite. You are living in what you do not want to live with. It has become a part of you.

fifteen-seventeen asked: How can I be more like you, Mr. Snicket?

lemonysnicketlibrary:

The world has enough similarities.  Be unlike those you despise.